This week things are different. Different as in not the same. Instead of your typical post with cheesy pictures and captions that make immature 6th graders laugh, this blog post is being written entirely by the man behind the scenes. The man that has to put up with the drama. The man that has to have patience like a solar powered Citizen Eco-Drive wristwatch. The man who has to wake up tangled in a giant ball of frizzy blonde hair. The man that has to endure gastrointestinal eruptions that would provide enough natural gas to power 200 small villages. For a year. The man who has to laugh at jokes such as "what do you call cheese that's notch yo's?" ugh. Yes, I am that man. I am Arthur.
I guess you could blame me for all of this. After all, I did marry this girl. It's been nice. But there are several things that I wish she would have told me before we got married. And that is why I am here, typing away at 2am, hoping my keystrokes don't awaken the sleeping afro-headed cookie monster beside me. Fortunately, the keystrokes on this new macbook are several decibels quieter than the roaring sound of snoring that is deafening my right ear. Since I like to get to the point, I will now start on my list, and by creating this list, I hope to inspire those out there who are single to stay single until they are ready for the crazy life that follows those two little words: "I do."
1. I take up the whole bed. Yes, when you get married you get the privilege of sharing everything with another individual. Fond memories, adventures, laughter, and tears. Ahhh, so romantic. What no one tells you is how [expletive removed] miserable it is when you are sleeping in the middle of the night and you wake up shivering in your underpants with no semblance of a pillow or a blanket around you, holding on to the very edge of the bed, about to fall 2-3 feet into a painful thud. At moments like this, a man has two choices: a. wake her up and push her back to her side, snatch the blanket and pull it out of the death grip it is in, or b. gracefully and smoothly get out of bed and lay back down on her side that now is as empty as a Radio Shack on the day after black friday. On a snowy day. In Wisconsin. "Ah but we are going to get a king bed... won't be an issue..." you say. That is where you are wrong. I don't want to elaborate. Too tedious. Moving on.
2. You should budget $350 a month on hair conditioner. I don't understand this phenomenon. It seems like every other day I am emptying a trash can that is full of empty hair conditioner bottles. What in the world do women do with this stuff? Use it on their hair, as a face wash, body wash, and an early morning drink? It may be the most versatile product ever created. If I walked into our shower and snapped a few pictures I would have enough content to create a new kids discovery activity book: "101 Bottles of Conditioner - Find Them All!"
3. No matter how many clothing items I have, it isn't enough. I have my own closet. Jenessa has two. The clothes are so tightly packed on hangers that I don't think you could fit a knife blade between two shirts. If I had a garage sale and sold each article of clothing for $1, I would be the 4th richest man in America. To the rational being, you would think this means when the two of us go to a mall to pick up a gift for someone, looking for clothes for herself doesn't even cross her mind. But it does.
4. I don't know how I'm feeling. Ever. She sees him afar off. On the horizon. She stretches her arms out, and begins running towards him. A smile graces her face, tears of joy run down her cheeks as she hugs him with both arms. We have all seen this movie - in one of its 10,000 forms. We expect women to be emotional. What you should expect is the unexpected. If you expect the unexpected, isn't it expected? Therefore you aren't expecting anything that is unexpected because the unexpected is already accounted for in your expected. Clichés such as this make no sense. Or dollars. It is what it is. Really? If you want to express the saying "it is what it is" why wouldn't you just say "it is"? It seems like the department of redundancy department is in full swing. Sorry. Back to my point about feelings. Yes, women are interesting creatures. Sometimes I wish I could look at a brain scan when I utter the words "how are you feeling?" to her. I'm sure what I would see is a giant ball of flashing Christmas tree lights flickering like a light show in a Las Vegas club playing heavy post modern dubstep. That delayed response to your question is not there for dramatic effect. I'm fairly certain at that specific point in time she is deciding which of the 5,000 emotions she is feeling is most worth mentioning.
5. If I go to the kitchen and you don't hear from me for a while, I probably found some sugary snack, and I am devouring it like it is the last remnant of food on the planet. I've heard of people who have a sugar tooth. What my wife has is a mouth full of 32 sugar teeth. I can count on two calculators the number of times we have gone out to dinner at a nice restaurant, had an appetizer and an entrée, and I have heard the words "I am so stuffed I can't breathe." Thirty seconds later the waiter shows up and asks "A dessert menu for you two...?" The answer is always yes. She claims to have a so-called "second stomach" for desserts. Interesting. Still is a medical mystery to me. On the drive home from the restaurant she is Pinteresting on that Pinterest app. What is she looking at? Pictures of crafty little desserts of course!
6. I'm not a morning person. Or an evening person. My optimal operating hours are between noon and 6pm. I thought most wonders of nature were already discovered, until I uncovered this revelation. Everything before noon is met with cranky, sleepy-eyed displeasure. Everything after 6pm is an opportunity to yet again fall asleep. The average human needs 8 hours of sleep to function properly? My wife is above average.
7. Never offend Taylor Swift. I mean it. We are never ever getting back together if you joke about Taylor Swift again. Unless you are fearless, don't even think you can begin again. I knew you were trouble and I'm not going to speak now, just give you blank space. No, I can't just shake it off, because everything has changed. This bad blood makes my eyes red. It will be fifteen to 22 hours until you are out of the woods and we can continue our love story.
That is my list. I love this amazing woman that I call my wife. She is perfect and every day with her is the happiest day of my life. When I think that things can't possibly get any more wonderful, they do. For that reason and a host of others, I am so blessed. Looking through our wedding pictures this last week was such a great reminder of the day I made the best decision of my life. Without her I am less than half as spectacular as I can be, and I used to think I was capable of being pretty spectacular.
Life in Japan still feels like a vacation. It's an adventure. Work is going well for those of you wondering, the month of January was metrically solid. Our household goods are coming soon, which will be like Christmas in February. I'm sure Jenessa will write all about it in a week or so. Thank you all for reading my guest blog post. If you like it, comment up on Facebook so she lets me write another one maybe one day. Okay I think she is waking up, the snoring has stopped. Gotta go. Miss you guys! Bye!
-Arthur
I guess you could blame me for all of this. After all, I did marry this girl. It's been nice. But there are several things that I wish she would have told me before we got married. And that is why I am here, typing away at 2am, hoping my keystrokes don't awaken the sleeping afro-headed cookie monster beside me. Fortunately, the keystrokes on this new macbook are several decibels quieter than the roaring sound of snoring that is deafening my right ear. Since I like to get to the point, I will now start on my list, and by creating this list, I hope to inspire those out there who are single to stay single until they are ready for the crazy life that follows those two little words: "I do."
1. I take up the whole bed. Yes, when you get married you get the privilege of sharing everything with another individual. Fond memories, adventures, laughter, and tears. Ahhh, so romantic. What no one tells you is how [expletive removed] miserable it is when you are sleeping in the middle of the night and you wake up shivering in your underpants with no semblance of a pillow or a blanket around you, holding on to the very edge of the bed, about to fall 2-3 feet into a painful thud. At moments like this, a man has two choices: a. wake her up and push her back to her side, snatch the blanket and pull it out of the death grip it is in, or b. gracefully and smoothly get out of bed and lay back down on her side that now is as empty as a Radio Shack on the day after black friday. On a snowy day. In Wisconsin. "Ah but we are going to get a king bed... won't be an issue..." you say. That is where you are wrong. I don't want to elaborate. Too tedious. Moving on.
2. You should budget $350 a month on hair conditioner. I don't understand this phenomenon. It seems like every other day I am emptying a trash can that is full of empty hair conditioner bottles. What in the world do women do with this stuff? Use it on their hair, as a face wash, body wash, and an early morning drink? It may be the most versatile product ever created. If I walked into our shower and snapped a few pictures I would have enough content to create a new kids discovery activity book: "101 Bottles of Conditioner - Find Them All!"
3. No matter how many clothing items I have, it isn't enough. I have my own closet. Jenessa has two. The clothes are so tightly packed on hangers that I don't think you could fit a knife blade between two shirts. If I had a garage sale and sold each article of clothing for $1, I would be the 4th richest man in America. To the rational being, you would think this means when the two of us go to a mall to pick up a gift for someone, looking for clothes for herself doesn't even cross her mind. But it does.
4. I don't know how I'm feeling. Ever. She sees him afar off. On the horizon. She stretches her arms out, and begins running towards him. A smile graces her face, tears of joy run down her cheeks as she hugs him with both arms. We have all seen this movie - in one of its 10,000 forms. We expect women to be emotional. What you should expect is the unexpected. If you expect the unexpected, isn't it expected? Therefore you aren't expecting anything that is unexpected because the unexpected is already accounted for in your expected. Clichés such as this make no sense. Or dollars. It is what it is. Really? If you want to express the saying "it is what it is" why wouldn't you just say "it is"? It seems like the department of redundancy department is in full swing. Sorry. Back to my point about feelings. Yes, women are interesting creatures. Sometimes I wish I could look at a brain scan when I utter the words "how are you feeling?" to her. I'm sure what I would see is a giant ball of flashing Christmas tree lights flickering like a light show in a Las Vegas club playing heavy post modern dubstep. That delayed response to your question is not there for dramatic effect. I'm fairly certain at that specific point in time she is deciding which of the 5,000 emotions she is feeling is most worth mentioning.
5. If I go to the kitchen and you don't hear from me for a while, I probably found some sugary snack, and I am devouring it like it is the last remnant of food on the planet. I've heard of people who have a sugar tooth. What my wife has is a mouth full of 32 sugar teeth. I can count on two calculators the number of times we have gone out to dinner at a nice restaurant, had an appetizer and an entrée, and I have heard the words "I am so stuffed I can't breathe." Thirty seconds later the waiter shows up and asks "A dessert menu for you two...?" The answer is always yes. She claims to have a so-called "second stomach" for desserts. Interesting. Still is a medical mystery to me. On the drive home from the restaurant she is Pinteresting on that Pinterest app. What is she looking at? Pictures of crafty little desserts of course!
6. I'm not a morning person. Or an evening person. My optimal operating hours are between noon and 6pm. I thought most wonders of nature were already discovered, until I uncovered this revelation. Everything before noon is met with cranky, sleepy-eyed displeasure. Everything after 6pm is an opportunity to yet again fall asleep. The average human needs 8 hours of sleep to function properly? My wife is above average.
7. Never offend Taylor Swift. I mean it. We are never ever getting back together if you joke about Taylor Swift again. Unless you are fearless, don't even think you can begin again. I knew you were trouble and I'm not going to speak now, just give you blank space. No, I can't just shake it off, because everything has changed. This bad blood makes my eyes red. It will be fifteen to 22 hours until you are out of the woods and we can continue our love story.
That is my list. I love this amazing woman that I call my wife. She is perfect and every day with her is the happiest day of my life. When I think that things can't possibly get any more wonderful, they do. For that reason and a host of others, I am so blessed. Looking through our wedding pictures this last week was such a great reminder of the day I made the best decision of my life. Without her I am less than half as spectacular as I can be, and I used to think I was capable of being pretty spectacular.
Life in Japan still feels like a vacation. It's an adventure. Work is going well for those of you wondering, the month of January was metrically solid. Our household goods are coming soon, which will be like Christmas in February. I'm sure Jenessa will write all about it in a week or so. Thank you all for reading my guest blog post. If you like it, comment up on Facebook so she lets me write another one maybe one day. Okay I think she is waking up, the snoring has stopped. Gotta go. Miss you guys! Bye!
-Arthur
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| the sleepy beauty |
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